Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
