I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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