So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
