Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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