I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
