I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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