I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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