He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
