I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm sobbing to NWA
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
