My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's blow job season.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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