I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
