Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
