My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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