Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
