We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
