the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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