Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
