Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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