Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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