party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
