The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
