just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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