It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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