I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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