I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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