You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Drunk is not a location!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
