Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
