I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
