just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
