"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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