billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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