i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i already hear my dad disowning me
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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