He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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