my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
