one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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