Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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