Swine flu. Run for my life!
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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