He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
