I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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