Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
