No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
