out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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