mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
