Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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