I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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