He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
