my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
