I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
