dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
