my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
