shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
