You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
