I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
