I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
