Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
