When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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