He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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