If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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